Pssst, there’s this new rogue barbarian sport doing the rounds. It might not yet have the profile of championship baseball, pro golf, tournament tennis, international soccer, F1 races or Frank Bruno’s boxing, but it’s stepping out of the shadows at roller coaster pace.
Two teams of five women ping pong and pinball off each other in the ultimate wizard spindizzy scramble; a hard drivin’ oval death race battlezone of bonecruncher marble madness, in which each team’s star-helmeted ‘Jammer’ (speed freak bump ‘n’ jump space invaders who joust and slalom for pole position, desperate not to be out run) scores a match point for every last ninja kid alien avenger they rampage past. The job of the defender (three ‘Blockers’ and a ‘Pivot’) is to surround and prevent the opposing Jammer’s rush ‘n attack turbo rollin’ breakout – they snake around a skate-or-die grand prix circuit, hoping in the chaos frenzy of combat to get the frantic space hunter to spinout or splat!
Today celebrating their third birthday, the Brighton Rockers roller aces face off against a tough challenger in London Rockin’ Rollers; no urban upstarts but six year veterans who provided major motion to the Rockers’ own derby evolution. Whilst LRR jet set willy nilly around theatre Europe this year to feud with the continent’s elite, Brighton will run the gauntlet of many of the UK’s top ten derby leagues, north & south. With the Rockers currently placed higher in the rankings, could the pupils be sending their teachers back to skool dazed this match day?
This cauldron of sport, this tempest of time and magik – er OK, this provincial sports hall – is bedecked in images of Pac-Mania, a testament to today’s 80s video game theme. Fittingly, one of London’s super sprint star raiders, trailblazer Jack Attack, shares her pro wrestling style nickname with a 1983 Commodore 64 game. [That might not be the only 80s video game title in this write-up.] Rainbow islands of fancy dress clad spectators bubble bobble around the populous venue, pan-galaxian pyjamarama pirates from a land where time stood still. A centipede fast food line queues not for barmy burgers but cakes and cookies as we reach kick off time.
London are soon bowling around the track and field a real action force of early line-ups to take a 36-8 lead. Shambolic tries to use the great space Racey makes as LRR’s Deadly ducks, Kit Kat Power drifts inside and contra blocks fly. Ref Noise Tank battles for control as Mother Trucker, Hairy Fairy and others dig, dug in to punch-out any space war penetrator. Brighton’s ex-Rockin’ Roller, stunt track racer The Mighty Mighty Bash, isn’t taking any hostages and the titan unleashes a hellfire cyclone of flash attacks to send opponents head over heels.
Then comes operation thunderbolt, a monster Bash powerjam that helps Brighton draw level, but with Rockers’ wizball Rose Bleed off for lengthy medical treatment there’s a red storm rising. London’s mercenary jammers switch on the jetpac afterburner and Brighton can’t stop the express star strikes as they snowball around the track like a boulder dashing paperboy playing dodge ’em with asteroids. Zzoom. Zorks! Half-time and it’s 98-86 to London.
Over at missile command (Rockers’ chase HQ) they won’t accept it’s game over. Victory road is neither a pipe dream nor an impossible mission. A fusion of boot camp chessmaster tactics, where the pawns are warlords, sees Rockers blockers mega man-up on jumping Jack as the action revs up. Brighton’s phoenix rises with the return of pack leap frogger and lode runner Rose, the R-type logo on her boots a blur as she wins her space quest – gotcha! With wily antix from Mistress Von Über Vixen and berzerk jamming from star warrior strider Sham us spectators are mere wonderboys beholding the swords and sorcery of this sentinel display. Brighton’s thing on a spring bench coach Mass Janeycide leaps about like a crazed football manager – as opposed to London’s more sedate tracksuit manager – and the Rockers even debut as dramatic a tactic as ‘attack of the mutant camels’, although we might have made that bit up.
Brighton’s most feared nemesis is suddenly gone as the referees bomb Jack Attack into the stands. One pitfall of changing penalty rules for 2013 is an accidental thrust of chair that klax an official is treated the same as a street fighter ‘yie ar’ kung fu master karate champ educating a manic miner in the way of the exploding fist, or a bomberman hurling a chuckie egg at a target renegade survivor. Everyone’s a wally sometimes as the red baron is soon joined in elimination by Kiwi Bash, who – despite the New Zealand story – plays alongside her for England.
The two international starmaster dogfighters share a hug in exile. A Rebel Rebel star turn follows, but when the time pilots wield the golden axe after the final assault, last battle, final fight, final lap… Brighton are victorious 237-210, although the Rockers army moves down a place to place to seventh on the UK leaderboard as a result, one above their shinobi-wan kenobis.
A second bout sees Brighton’s previously unbeaten B-team Bruisers end their victory run. Managed and coach by A-teamers dressed as those little computer people the Super Mario Bros, the Bruisers fall to a donkey kong strong Portsmouth Roller Wenches side piloted by talisman torpedo RIP McMurphy, Brookslide and Eureka Pain as the trap door opens on the Bruisers’ winning run. It’s a stinger but one pool of radiance comes from the Brighton debut of a mega-Bucks voyager from the utopian badlands of MK, space race speedball Kapow! whose awesome spinning 180 darts through the Hampshire pack resemble a metal hawk starglider, or possibly a sabre wulf super cobra.
Prime timed out, the assembled knightmare horde ships off for a monster party that drops Tetris-fashion into the dungeon of the Globe pub. They say roller derby is under consideration for the 2020 summer games. Are there hyper Olympic skaters in waiting amongst Brighton’s rad racer star force, itching for a chance to emulate Daley Thompson’s decathlon feats for Team GB at a future games? It’s a possibility – or I’m the Prince of Persia.
Dolphin Centre, Haywards Heath and Globe, Brighton – Saturday 9th March 2013
Words by Adam Peters and whoever titled 80s video games
Photos by Rebecca Cornford
