Each month we peer through curtains, lurk on street corners and go through bins, looking for evidence of cool places to live. Not for our own benefit, you understand, this is an entirely altruistic endeavour – we want to help you avoid ending up in some whore-ridden crack den with your paltry bin bags of worthless belongings. This month, why not lower the tone of Marine Parade?
That’s that long road along the seafront, right?
Yes, it runs from the Palace Pier right up to the Marina, parallel to Madeira Drive.
So, cool sea views then. Do I need to be a millionaire to live there?
A lot of the places along there will cost an absolute fortune, yes. But there are definitely rental bargains to be found - you can have a pier view and still afford to eat.
Eat, you say. Where will I do that? It’s just a row of posh-looking houses.
Well if you’re terminally lazy, the Bristol Bar is on the front there. It’s a big pub with a decent menu. But you already know that, right? The owner told us someone had left behind a plastic bag with a penis pump in it recently, so it sounds like you’ve been in before…
Er, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Tell me more about this Marine Parade.
Ok, well it’s a pretty long road so depending on whereabouts you are, you’re handy for the Concorde, the Volks, Audio, er, and crazy golf. The road is mostly residential, but don’t forget you’re one road down from St James Street so the glittering delights of Kemptown’s bars and restaurants are pretty much right on your doorstep. As of course is the beach, which is a bit quieter up this end than between the piers. The nudist beach is up here as well of course, should you want to tan that tiny penis of yours.
Look, it wasn’t my bag. I’ve never seen it before. Now drop it.
If you say so. But if you wanted to get a load of random fellas to manhandle this ‘mystery-sized’ penis of yours, you should head up to Duke’s Mound, which is all those bushes up by the Marina. It’s a renowned cruising area.
Maybe I will. It’s not like it’s illegal or anything, right?
Well it kind of is, public indecency and all that. But the place is never crawling with cops, not on-duty cops anyway. This is Brighton after all – enjoy!
More Streets Of Brighton: Click Herestreetsofbrightonx
