Spawned A Moustache

attersweb

It’s been a fair while since the moustache was a serious feature on the facial fashion landscape – apart from occasional pockets of interest you kind of have to go back to the “ding dong!’ days of Leslie Phillips and Terry Thomas to truly experience its top lip ubiquity. So it’s with something of a guilty pleasure that we welcome it back for the month of Movember – that’s a canny meld of moustache and November – as we man up and muzzy up in the name of prostate cancer awareness.

Any cancer is obviously immensely distressing, but there’s a fairly obvious practical difference between checking for lumps in your balls or boobs and detecting an illness that, by its very nature, lives up your arse. Prostate cancer is the most common cancer of men in the UK – one man dies every hour of it and 35,000 will be diagnosed this year. By growing your own moustache for the month of Movember you can help raise money for screening awareness and hopefully help get that figure down – 2008′s Movember raised £2.4million, so there’s everything to play for this year.

Movember is being run in association with Finlandia vodka, with loads of bars offering Finlandia cocktail menus where 50p from each drink goes to Movember. The bartenders are also growing their own Mo’s to raise money. There are loads of other Movember events going on as well – Lucky Voice are running a Flash Your Tash nightly half hour of hairy songs (needs to be pre-booked) and the Honey Club are spurring everyone on through the itchy stages with a mid-Movember party. The month ends with a Movember Gala party at the Hanbury on Thursday 26th, and The Bomb on Sydney Street has been designated the official Moemporium, where the team are offering free Mo trims along the way for the month.

The men of SOURCE are getting involved, and we want you to join us. So here’s how it works. Firstly, get a shave, now! We’ll have no cheating here. Mo Bros (as we’re all apparently called) all begin the month clean-shaven so the onset of whiskerhood advances at the same masculine pace for all. You’ll need to register at movember.com, where you can build your team, muck about with a MoSpace page and admire the hirsute achievements of other participants. Women can also register, either as eyelash-fluttering admirers of the unfolding testosterone fest or as growers themselves, should their hormones prove sufficiently unfortunate. Come on Brighton – get growing, get Mo-ing!

WE SPOKE TO A COUPLE OF MO MOGULS FOR THEIR TAKE ON THE ‘TACHE.

Comedian and writer and Michael “Atters” Attree is the official “Bounder” and Moustache Grooming Editor of the satirical Chap magazine. Amongst many other achievements he sits on the committee of the London’s famous Handlebar Club so we thought we tap him up for some advice.

How much can the average man manage in one month? Growing a moustache, we mean.
Well, it’s all down to a chaps follicular stamina and strength of course but a healthy young buck should manage a good inch at least.

Is there anything one can do to tease more growth? We’re still talking about moustaches here.
Nothing I’m afraid. Well, certain vitamin products claim such alchemical powers but that’s all expensive poppycock. Gently talking down to one under your nose possibly… but then that hardly helped Prince Charles sprout one has it?

What style do you recommend for the novice?
Well, seeing as the men of today generally lack the balls to carry a decent “Atters Gap” handlebar through to the end, I would suggest they weasel out a spivs pencil (Errol Flyn) or a horseshoe “porno” tash. In short, length is not a priority here, just the topiary of the stubble. Plus the ladies are more forgiving with such styles.

Any sartorial changes men need to make to rock a ‘tache?
Although one’s hirsute “love-wand” acts as a focal point of mesmer, the moustache itself is secondary. It’s the overall vignette that should imbue ones psychic and sexual powers. If they feel confident and strong following their pre-growth fashions then they should stick with them. Casually donning a top hat while sporting old pumps and tattoos will merely give the impression one has grotesquely materialised from a demented game of Monopoly. Cruel ribbing will duly ensue. Simply master your moustache. Never let your moustache master you.

Does one need a snood at this stage?
Hell, yes, why not? The snoods primary function is to prevent kinkage and dribblage during slumber. But worn at a coquettish angle one can look rather dashing too. A very special and beautiful young lady crafted me one from her – worn – fishnet stockings. Bloody marvelous!

What reaction can one expect from the opposite sex? If one is the aforementioned Monopoly mutation, or just ginger, then not a lot. But strut that “smasher” about with conviction and they will love it! Well, most will bloody hate it (and you) but… those who do love it will really love it! (Wheat from the chaff and all that). Either way; fascinated, they are all guaranteed to grab at your extremities. Surely that’s a merry queue to grab at theirs too!

Do you fear for so much competition on the facial furniture front?
Oh, guys, really. Why would I be? I’m “Atters”…

Dan Hills is the Operations Manager for InnBrighton. He’s the man that has put together much of the Movember events. We ask him why it’s so important.

You’re very much driving Movember in Brighton – what’s got you fired up about it?
There are very few charities concerned specifically with men’s health. Often men can be reluctant to discuss their worries and concerns over matters of health. I’m fired up by Movember specifically because it’s a really big-hearted charity that raises money and awareness for men’s health simply by getting men to grow a Mo. And Brighton loves a Mo.

What do you love most about the event?
I love the amount of parties dedicated to comparing, examining and celebrating each others Mos.

What are InnBrighton bringing to the table?
We’re trying to get all of Brighton involved. This could be massive here – imagine walking around the streets and seeing every bloke with a Mo! We’re also trying to get everyone together by encouraging everyone to join a pub team. We’re also hoping for some pretty serious competition. We’ve got a number of other fund-raising events taking place across the city and we’ll be making some additional donations from a number of club events on the seafront.

How do you even check for prostate cancer!?
There are a number of symptoms to look out for which are detailed in the health section of movemberfoundation.com. The digital rectal examination is not a recommended form of self-diagnosis.

How do you think your ‘tache is going to turn out?
My mo is going to be a disgrace. To me and to men everywhere.

WORDS BY NICK COQUET, JAMES KENDALL

Features 4 years old

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