As Churchill Square has been ringing out with Band Aid and Slade since the middle of September, we thought we’d bring you a selection of festive tunes that don’t make us want to kick a reindeer to death when we hear them.
SAINT ETIENNE ‘I WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY’
Cracknell and co show us indie dance has its place in the pantheons of festive fun, with this Tim Burgess collaboration from 1993. Apart from the title and general yuletide vibe of the song, it has very little to do with the saccharine sentiments we usually associate with the Christmas song. In fact it makes very little sense whatsoever in the cold, mulled wine-free light of day. For that we salute them.
SIMON & GARFUNKEL ‘7 O’CLOCK NEWS/SILENT NIGHT’
Christmas – a time of joy, a time of family, a time of goodwill. So thanks to Paul Simon and his albino gonk for reminding us of all the misery of the world. The folk rock pair pull out the most maudlin version of the never-jaunty carol and layer a recording of the news on top. Racism, murder and the death of Lenny Bruce all feature. So moving – if you don’t cry you don’t deserve any presents.
RUN DMC ‘CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS’
Hip hop rarely takes time out of its busy ass cap-poppin’ schedule to reflect on the wonders of the festive season, so it’s nice to see Run DMC bucking the trend on this stone cold classic. We can imagine the couplet “Chillin and coolin’ just like a snowman” came fairly early on in the lyrical drafting, and props to the band for not nicking Santa’s wallet “because it wouldn’t be right”. Aah…
THE JOSEPH AND MARY CHAIN ‘TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS’
What was this evergreen favourite always lacking? We’ve never been able to put out finger on it but it could well be the “five gold rings” bit being sung by Barry and Jaff from the Futureheads. A benefit single for Shelter, this project assembled some of the North East’s leading musical lights, including Kathryn Williams, Kenickie, Field Music and The Golden Virgins for a remarkably faithful rendition that won’t offend your nan.
BADLY DRAWN BOY ‘DONNA AND BLITZEN’
Proof that Christmas songs can be about reindeer, have sleigh bells clinking all the way through and not make you want to vomit up your own pelvis. The woolly hatted homeless-alike clearly had an eye on the pension plan when he slotted this masterpiece into the About A Boy soundtrack. Like the High Grant character in the film, he presumably hoped he too could just piss about all year and live off its lovely old royalties.
SUFJAN STEVENS ‘THAT WAS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER!’
Not to be confused with Shakin’ Stevens’, Sufjan also likes a Christmas song, though this heartbreakingly beautiful piece of banjo simplicity is unlikely to have them bellowing it in the street as the pubs kick out. The familial claustrophobia of “Our father yells/Throwing gifts in the wood stove, wood stove” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as Merry Xmas Everyone.
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