Ever since Jim Morrison earned the ire of The Man by dropping his leather strides on stage and introducing the crowd to Little Jim, there’s been a generally accepted rule that if you want to get ahead, get photographed with your cock or fanny hanging out. Here’s half a dozen who can attest to this.
IGGY POP
Something of a penis protégé of Jim Morrison, Iggy’s upped the ante by rarely keeping his trousers on throughout a whole show during his entire career. This is a man clearly and justifiably proud of his penis, an appendage we’ve personally seen peeping out from several stages over the years. Its most famous UK airing was on Mark Radcliffe’s The White Room TV show in the 90s – Iggy gyrating in censor-satisfying, see-through plastic trousers that perfectly framed the famed Pop pecker.
TOMMY LEE
Starring in the first of a long, long line of celebrity sex tapes to break into the public domain, Tommy Lee already enjoyed the envy of many men via his exclusive sexual access to Pamela Anderson. This envy was compounded when we saw the video depicting the pair larking about on a boat, in the buff, and Tommy swinging his dick about like a really big swingy thing. At one point he even uses it to sound the boat’s horn, although the filmed usage that secured his worldwide notoriety was somewhat more energetic.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Pop stars in meltdown have become a tabloid sales failsafe, as we gawp at famous folk making tits of themselves. Britney’s tale was textbook; the rehab, the head shaving, the irresponsible driving. But she has to take credit for what’s become a paparazzi goldmine, the up-skirt, no-knickers ninny shot. Spears cornered the market in displaying her labia when disembarking from limos, her underwear drawer at home gradually gathering dust. Ironically, the more we saw of Brit’s bits, the less alluring she became. Put it away, love.
BETH DITTO
How brave of the NME to put a naked fat woman on their magazine, everybody said. And yeah, it would have been if they didn’t Photoshop the picture to death to smooth out her skin deliciously. True, the rolls of fat were there – fair play to the Gossip singer for that – but the NME failed to go all the way. As audiences who saw Beth rolling around in her underwear had seen, she was always ready to go all the way.
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The American epic punk funk band’s previous Concorde gig was lacklustre thanks to a heavy touring schedule (ie the got fucked up the night before) but Chk Chk Chk made up for it a year later. Necking a handful of pills, singer Nic Offer* got progressively battered, stripping off his shirt in the heat, low slung trousers offering a glimpse of his cock rug. Then he whipped them off too, dancing around like he was at Woodstock. Luckily the ecstasy stopped Mr Mojo Risin’.
JOHN LENNON
The Beatles: sexy. Nudity: sexy. Tiny Japanese girls: sexy. What the fuck happened to the cover of Two Virgins, one of least arousing covers this side of Millie Jackson’s ‘Back To The Shit’ (Google it). It looks like Lennon dropped a raw sausage on a barbershop floor, and as for Yoko! Sorry to be crude, but we wouldn’t have broke up the biggest band in the world for those tits. Also, the music – like most of Lennon’s solo albums it’s dire.
